As I sit here and write this blog, I'm remembering my own mother and dear grandmother. I think about both daily but around Mother's Day, their memories are even greater. They both were invaluable in my life and had so much to say, and so much wisdom to impart. The journey I've walked these last few years would have astounded both. The fact I'm a mother, would have amused my grandmother and my own mother I think, went to her grave in disbelief. You see, motherhood and marriage was never much on my mind or heart. I was the "cat lady" in those days, the girl who had a bunch of cats. I enjoyed my single life, worked hard, partied hearty and frankly, was living the dream. It took a strong man, a decent guy and one with a work ethic to turn my head. He was a baseball fan, although not my team so I figured why not, I could get involved! So here I am, 29 years later, living the dream as a single girl again, someone's mother and happy in my space. Crazy as it sounds, who would have ever imagined, my life has gone in a in full circle and I'm back to where I started.
As appropriate as the name of my blog is, Beginning Again, I truly have begun again. No, I'm not out trolling for a date (I never really did that), or partying hearty (although lately I seem to have an active social life); I am back to enjoying my space, my life, and my new beginning in Boise. Who would have thunk it! What I've discovered is that, beginning again, this time on my terms, has been an amazing ride. I started this blog two years ago, to heal my broken heart and move forward, and now I write for the sheer pleasure of writing and trying to make a difference. I know my friends think I'm nuts, but frankly, standing in my truth makes me a little nuts. I haven't got much to lose at this point, other than some of the "placeholders" that are tending to fall away anyway, or the phonies who I no longer have a tolerance for. I have learned to enjoy my life again, with these two little boys who are keeping me hopping, the friends who have entered my life over the last two years and the memories I seem to be making regularly. So how exactly did I do this? What did it take for me to find peace of mind, a new path, and a new beginning?
First, I decided I could care less what anyone thinks about me. I mentioned this to my study group this week and they were rather surprised as who does this?! Me! I really do not give a flying you know what about what anyone thinks of me. I live my life according to the Golden Rule, the Ten Commandments, and my heart knowledge. I stand regularly in my truth and those who find that intimidating has fallen away.
Second, I know my heart. I regularly listen to my Higher Self and understand what is right for me. This is a practice and I'm still in the learning phase. I am tapped in and so far, have not been steered wrong. My dear friend Maureen St. Germain is a great teacher on this subject, check her out and her books. She's amazing.
Third, I have gained the wisdom to find my inner peace. I know that everything that happens is for a reason, and I count my blessings daily. What seemed like the end of the world two years ago, turned into a blessing of unimagined proportions. No, I'm still sad about the way that "thing" worked out but see the blessing and have moved on. I was on a Facebook Live Zoom call the other day, looked at the participants in the group and realized that that one person, acting as a conduit for the universe, brought all those people into my life. These participants were all over the world, of various ages and backgrounds. I would never have ever been in that group but for this one blessing. Crazy, but a wonderful crazy all the same.
So back to Mother's Day and my own mother. I owe her so much, love her and miss her desperately. Over the last few years, I have wished over and over that she was still here. My grandmother as well. Nannie has been gone for thirty years, but I still miss her and her words of wisdom. Knowing what I know now about her life through my genealogy studies, I have so many unanswered questions. Therefore, Mother's Day is not just about giving birth, but the nurturing, imparting of wisdom and being a friend to the most important people in a mother's life. Through this journey of the last two years, I believe my one and only has discovered I'm more than just Mom, but a human being with feelings, fears, courage and tenacity. I know she's followed my journey with an open mind and heart and has taken to heart these blogs. I just hope she doesn't make my mistakes, learned from what I've done right and has been encouraged on her own journey. I pray that mother's prayer for health, safety and peace of mind. So onward and upward to all my mom friends, and Happy Mother's Day!
Mom with Nicholas and Bonnie 2013
