Ode To My Very Best Friend

This morning I made the decision all pet owners who love their animals have to eventually make, and that was to say goodbye to my sweet Bonnie Girl.  You see, Bonnie was not just my dog and constant companion, she was also my best friend.  She was the last gift John gave me before he died.  I always laughed and said she was the only purchase I ever made on his credit card.  If he was here, he would back this statement up as absolute truth.

Bonnie came to us as an 8 week old puppy, flew to Seattle from a breeder in Tulsa. From the moment I let her out of her crate and laid eyes on this little lass, she held my heart in her paws for the next 8 1/2 years.  

Bonnie moved into our house and took it over like all Scottie dogs do.  My poor Nicholas had to watch his P's and Q's as Bonnie always had her eye on him.  They played like most doggie siblings did, but when it came to mommy, I belonged only to her.

Bonnie was a strong little soldier.  She was with me when John passed, when Mom passed and Bonnie was there with me over these last few months of nursing a broken heart.  Now her spirit will be with me as I grieve for her.  

We had plenty of adventures together, back and forth to Pullman to visit her Sis, over to Port Orchard for Christmas dinners and those daily walkies we both so enjoyed.  When I drove the long drive to Boise that fateful day, Bonnie sat in the back, in her bed looking out the window wondering where in the world we were going.  She loved her new back yard and loved chasing dogs and people up and down the fence barking.  She was the queen of her domain.

These last few months started to show something had changed in her.  She'd slowed down like most of us who are over 60 do in some form and fashion.  Her balance was off a bit and I started to notice the little things that age brings all of us.  The last couple days her feet started slipping out from under her and then I knew something more was wrong.  The doctor said she had a brain tumor, had lost feeling on her right side and was blind in her right eye.  This is no way to anyone to live, and my love for this sweet dog took over and I let her go.  She's at peace now and that's just the way I wanted it to be.  Her new existence is peaceful and filled with love.  

So my sweet Wee Bonnie Jean, rest in peace and I know I will see you again in another time.  Mommy loves you baby girl.  Go chase those birdies and squirrels and terrorize a cat or two.  You will continue to rule but in the heavenly realms.  

Wee Bonnie Jean 2013 - 2021

2021 - The Year of Blessings

Believe it or not, 2021 is coming to an end and 2022 is right around the corner.  Where did the last year go?  What did I accomplish?  What did I do to help shift humanity?  Does anyone else ask the same or similar questions?  It's crazy to think frankly, I have lived long enough to see 2022.  Every year seems to go faster than the last one and here we are, once again looking forward to a new year.   

2021 was certainly better than 2020.  When I think of 2020, I think about looking in the rear view mirror and seeing nothing but devastation.  The devastation of the world as a whole was staggering.  2020 was the year that was and never to be seen or spoken of again.  2020 simply sucked.  2021 was much, much better.  For yours truly, I started my journey toward enlightenment, learning the simple truths of life and saying no to ideas or people that no longer served me.  One lesson I learned early on was, if it looks wrong, smells wrong or is screaming wrong, it's wrong.  I learned to trust my still small voice that always said to take a step back and look at the big picture.  When I did, the answer was always crystal clear.

Relationships changed in 2021.  Those who did not show respect, kindness or the simple courtesy one affords to another, were changed out.  Oddly enough, some of those I thought were friends turned out to be nothing more than place holders for the real deal.  I'm proud to say I have made a ton of new friends here in Boise.  I have lunch or dinner out fairly often with the "girls,” and enjoy the simple fact that life is good.  I started to play golf weekly through out the "season," with a couple of wonderful ladies.  We've bonded and need badly to get together soon. I found another friend who loves to get out and laugh, drink a Bloody Mary or two and enjoy Sunday afternoons at a quaint wine bar playing Bingo and sometimes shopping the boutique.  My bestie Robin moved here in May and what a time we have had!  We have Christmas and New Year's Eve all planned out and 2022 will be the year we step out and part...tay!!!  So in essence, my social life here in Boise is better now than what it was, even when I was in my 20's!  I love it and no, I'm never bored.

My relationship with God changed, grew and became much more sacred.  The personal relationship I now have with Spirit is profound and frankly awe inspiring.  My intention for 2022 is to deepen my connection, stay true to what I believe and not be dissuaded by others who have a tendency to pontificate.  We are all entitled to our own opinions and beliefs.  No one should ever try to change another's mind that way.  If they do, then goodbye.

Bonnie and I continue on our health and physical fitness journey.  I must say, for two middle aged females, we're actually in good shape.  She loves her daily walkies and we try to get a mile in when the weather is cool.  The summers here are too hot to walk a low rider dog, so she stays home or I'll have to carry her back.  I continue to work out with a trainer who is not only my fitness guru but also has become a trusted friend and inspiration!  For a 66 year old, I look pretty healthy, all things considered.  No, I'll never be model thin again but damn, I've been told I'm pretty hot for my age.  I'll take the complement with a smile!

And finally, 2021 brought me peace of mind and a ending to my saga of sadness.  As I've mentioned in the past, I look for blessings in all experiences.  I have blessed the past and moved forward.  I am at peace and feel contentment in all areas.  The past is over, done and in my rear view mirror.  Life is too short to dwell on what we can not change.  I have forgiven and moved on and it's a great feeling.  Hell, look at all that came in my life from the situation I now call a blessing!  My life today would not be as it is without the "blessing" of that one person.  See, there is always a rainbow at the end of a storm.  

In conclusion, 2021 is almost over and it proved to be, as we've discovered, the year of change and blessings.  To all of those who have read my blogs this year, I can not thank you enough.  We'll see what 2022 brings as I hope it brings me new blog ideas and more writing opportunities.  My prayer to everyone is for peace in your hearts, and contentment in your souls.  Life is good and we will march forward together to even better.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year my friends and here's to 2022!

More Than Enough

Remember the old SNL skit with Stewart Smally?  He use to say "you're are good enough, you're smart enough and doggone it, people like you!"  As silly as some of the skits on SNL are, this one is one that has resonated with me for many years.  How many of us have gone through life never thinking we were enough?  It doesn't really matter what we are enough at.  This blog is dedicated to all of those, including me, who have never felt like they were quite enough.  We're going to explore and stop this negative way of thinking by the end of this blog.

I was one from early age who never felt like they measured up.  I glossed over this a bit in my blog Fellow Weirdo's Unite.  I was always sort of the girl who didn't fit in as I was not pretty enough, smart enough, athletic enough, blah blah blah.  After I graduated from SMHS and found my bearings if you will, that feeling of not being enough continued but changed it's focus.  After high school I started dating and got good grades in college. I thought I had found my niche,  I had a good career but I never felt like I was quite enough.  The feeling of not being quite enough transcended into my day to day living.  I always felt second class, not quite there and frankly simply not good enough. 

In 1989, I started paying attention to what I believed and how I was feeling.   I badly wanted the chance to be a wife and mother and this I became.  I was married for 19 years and then then sadly became a widow.  Over these last 8 years after John died, I have done a lot of soul searching and have begun to see the world in a whole new way.  I began to finally live the life I was meant to live and I have started to become me, the me I was meant to be.  Now that I've bared my soul, I'd like to share a few ways I recreated my thoughts and ideas and hopefully some who feel like I did will take heart and apply some of my life lessons. 

• You are who you are, you are whole, perfect and complete in the eyes of God.  Basic and true.
• Live for you, no one else.  
• No one else's ideas or opinions about you matter.  This includes parents, teachers, siblings, spouses or friends.
• Morality does matter so live by the Ten Commandments of Life. These basic truths can be found in all spiritual thought of substance.  I'm not preaching, just saying. The truest words ever written still survive 5000 years later.  Find a Bible and look them up, Exodus 20:2-7 to be exact.  
• No one is worth your time if they have no interest in you.  Respect, love and kindness must be mutual between all of those you call a friend.  If not, perhaps you need to reevaluate that relationship and move on.  These people are those Energy Vampires and I've mentioned them in the past.  They are not worthy of being your friend.
• Your self worth should NEVER be found in another's idea of you.  Not much more needs to be said.  Over the years I thought I found my self worth in what others thought of me.  Once I opened my eyes and realized my self worth is found in my heart and soul, my thoughts shifted.  It's a freeing feeling.
• Look into your heart and you'll find the Divine Source for all life.  God lives in each and every one of us, look within and you'll find the greatest gift ever given.
• We are given free will by grace, use it wisely.  
• Give thanks every day and look for the good in all situations. Gratitude is a gift from God. 
• Forgive others and yourself.  Forgiveness is not always easy but necessary in order to move forward to my final thought, that is...
• Look for all the blessings in life.  Every situation should move you forward to the next.  Blessing those situations and people will elevate you to the next level.  Trust me, I've done it and feel at peace.  

So dear friends, my life lessons in a nut shell handed out with love and grace. I plan to capitalize on these life lessons as we move forward into 2022 and beyond.  As our lives are constantly in a state of growth and change, be mindful and listen to your heart.  This is where you will find ultimate peace.  

Sedona Rainbow September 2021

Fellow Weirdos Unite!

In honor of Halloween, and moving into the month of November, we are going to explore the art of being Weird.  There are many who walk to the beat of a different drummer, one that is different than the norm.  There are many of us who are looked at as strange and some of us are just plain odd.  Merriam Webster defines weird as: "1. of strange or extraordinary character: odd, fantastic.  2.  of relating to, or caused by witchcraft or supernatural, magical."  This month's blog is devoted to those weirdo's who walk among us, those of us who stepped out of the shadows and walk their own paths with their heads held high.  This story is real, honest and actually freeing to admit, and I call it my own.

I've been called weird for all my 66 years.  As a kid, I never felt as though I fit in, it was hard to be different in a milk toast world.  I was never part of the "in crowd," I always felt very alone.  I was never the one picked first in PE or to dance with at the Saturday night dance classes.  I was the outcast, the off beat kid who wasn't tall, blond, or excitingly pretty. It was tough in those days of San Marino living.  To this day I still carry the scars of being That Girl, the one who in some respects, lived in the shadows.  Over the last three decades however, now that I have gained my self confidence and walk my path, the feeling of being weird or alone has disappeared.  Now I'm me, just who I am and who God meant for me to be.  What you see is what you get!

My path is different than some, off beat from others and not of the normal necessarily, but it's been my journey to walk.  Many years ago when I found spirituality and changed my life, I was the different one.  I was not one of the norm or like those with whom I interacted with daily. For awhile I tried to embrace what I thought was normal but three years ago, I re-found my center, my real self and now once again I am "different."  Life is much better now and I'm back to being me.  Now that I'm back to being me again it's not as daunting, and the feeling I need to fit in is not important any longer.  I actually like who I am and the path I'm on. I came out of the shadows and now I'm the one who speaks her truth through this blog and in other venues.  I may not be a great inventor, artist or song writer but I will continue to make my truth heard, even though it's not necessarily true for everyone.  I will continue to be honored that this blog is read and I read the comments with an open mind and heart and feel truly blessed.  

Remember, Thomas Edison, Nickola Tesla, Mark Twain, Henry Ford, Florence Nightingale and the rest of those who stepped away from the norm?  They walked their path, chose their journey, and lived the lives as they were called to live.  All of these brilliant people were deemed "weird" by the societal norms of the day.  We would not have electricity, telephones, modern nursing, fine literature or the mass produced automobile if it wasn't for those "weirdos" who stepped out from the shadows and claimed themselves and their calling.   In this day and age, those who are innovative, creative and have a dream, need to come out of the shadows and been heard.  Take Elon Musk for example, I bet in his youth he had a hard time fitting in.  Look at all he's accomplished, he was one of those who brought the electric vehicle out of the shadows and into mainstream thinking!  There are many more new ideas out there waiting to be discovered.  Just imagine if these great thinkers, the weirdos of yesteryear had been shy or reticent!  Our lives today would be surely different.

So I challenge you dear reader, step out of your comfort zone, look to your purpose and live your life when you find your true calling.  Life is too short to be someone you are not.  Life is what you make it, enjoy and go forth fellow weirdos and rejoice!

"The person who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd.  The person who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever seen before." - Albert Einstein

Full Moon over Meridian Idaho October 21, 2021

Radical Self Love

Recently I started reading about Self Care or Self Love (we can call it both actually) and pondered the subject more during my daily meditation.  Sadly, I believe that we women tend to put everyone else ahead of ourselves.  Somewhere on life's journey we need to remember to start caring for Me, the person in who's skin we live, 24/7.  The body and soul that we should be nurturing is us, me, myself and I.  Now, please don't get your feathers ruffled and scream how selfish!  It's selfish not to think of ourselves as we can not care for others, if we are not in a good space within our own being.  Self care is necessary as we move along this path of life.  Men and women both need time for ourselves, time to nurture ourselves and time to learn to live a fruitful and happy life.  

First all, Radical Self Care is not simply taking a bath once a day and brushing our teeth.  Self care has to do with our mental, physical and emotional well being.  I write all the time about my passion for journaling.  My mental well being is comforted by what I write in my pages.  The most offered advise I give to those who ask is to journal every morning, put your thoughts on paper and don't be shy.  The more one expresses one's self in the pages of our very private journal, the better we feel.  The point is, with your pen in hand, pour out your heart.  I read recently that by writing in long hand, on paper, tunes one into one's heart and the divine within.  Writing on a lap top or iPad can cause distraction.  So invest in a good pen, buy journals at the nearest Ross or TJ Maxx and write away! Trust me, what ever was bothering you when you sat down to write, will magically disappear.  You dear one, have cleansed your heart by your own hand.

Radical Self Love also encompasses our physical well being.  I strongly encourage each and every one of us to develop an exercise routine and stick to it.  I work out three days a week at the gym and I'm back to walking Bonnie daily as the weather has cooled off.  We walk over a mile a day and the fresh air alone on our daily walk is invigorating, soul cleansing and a good meditation as well.  I also golf, bike ride (not as much as I'd like) and I'm going to learn how to play Pickleball when I have time.  My intention is to go hiking again now that's it's cooled off here and the fall colors are beautiful.  So people get outside, move your joints and breath in the crisp, cool fall air.  It's good for your soul.

During the winter months, we can still practice our  Radical Self Care inside and away from the snow and ice.  True friends are so important in our daily self care routine.  Having one or two really good friends to connect with on a regular basis, to share thoughts and ideas with, is so important. If it's snowing or raining, zoom a friend as it's still a break in the daily routine. I zoom a lot as some of my wonderful close friends live elsewhere and now that I'm used to it, it's fabulous!  Since the Covid crap is finally going away, meeting for lunch or if the weather permits is a trail walk, is a way to get ourselves out of the daily rut of life and be out among the living.  People need people but be careful as there are so many out there who do not have our best interest at heart.  You'll know after one or two discussions if "that" person is someone you resonate with.  I'm currently reading a book called Dodging Energy Vampires by Dr. Christiane Northrup.  These energy vampires are out there and they walk among us. Learn to avoid them at all cost as they are toxic and will suck the very life and energy from you.

Radical Self Love also encompasses what we think.  Norman Vincent Peal wrote a book called The Power of Positive Thinking.  His basic premise is how we think is what we are.  The book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne takes it further.  How and what we think, we can manifest into what ever we want.  These are extremely simplistic explanations of both books but basically; how we think is how we present ourselves to others.  How we think is how we live our lives and how we think is who we bring into our lives. The Bible says; "For as he thinketh within himself, so is he."  Love yourself by thinking positive thoughts and ideas.  Once one puts out the positive, one will receive back from God, positive.  It's simply a universal law.  

Last but not least, our spiritual well being is not only important but necessary for our entire human experience.  I'm not concerned about what my readers believe, I'm concerned about the nourishment of your souls.  I probably just sent a few into a dead faint but honestly, what one person believes in may not work for the next.  I've long ago left the proselytizing game and only try to spread love and light through my actions and deeds.  This blog has been a game changer for me as I've resonated with so many.  Living here in the United States, gives us all the freedom to worship and enjoy a spiritual experience in what ever way seems appropriate to our well being.  The point is, finding a spiritual connection to believe in, study, and be at peace with, is the key to our innermost well being.  

In conclusion, Radical Self Care or Radical Self Love is really an amazing concept once we get the hang of it.  Taking care of our mind, body and soul is a privilege and one we should never let go of.  This mind and this soul is the one we carry on into eternity.  We only live this life once, so make it worthwhile while you're still here and make it worth the effort.

The following appeared in my email queue this morning... how appropriate! 

The Tastiest Insights are often the simplest solutions by Matt Kahn:

Ingredients:

Several generous scoops of self-love

A few pounds of love for whatever arises

A pinch of "How may I serve?"

A sprinkling of integration of ego

A potent teaspoon of unwavering integrity

We Deserve The Very Best

As we travel on this journey of life, we encounter many twists and turns, good times and bad, happiness and sorrow.  As I ponder these hills and valleys, I always seek to figure out what is truly my life's purpose.  I've discussed my feelings over many blogs but I've finally come to the decision there are many women (and men) just like me, who have hit this time of middle age and have no clue as to what's next.  Recently, while I was writing in my morning journal, I had a true epiphany.  My purpose is to speak my truth to others with the same life questions, doubts and fears.  One avenue for me to do this is sharing my heart in this blog.  When the lightening bolt hit that morning, I came to realize this blog could be valuable not just for me but for others as well.  I keep track as to how many people read these every month and I actually count over fifty, some months even more.  This is huge for an unknown such as I, sitting in my house with my dog.  I am heartened to know I have resonated with at least 50 people, all who have joined me on this journey of life.

Therefore over the coming months, we are all together going to explore our new journey.  This blog will most likely resonate more with women than with men, women more my age than younger, but I hope those of all ages who know me will keep an open mind as I believe, I have something to offer everyone.  Men may find my words will give them insight into the thoughts and ideas of their wives and girlfriends.   I do not think I'm much different than other women and there are so many out there who have faced some of the same challenges that I have.  The more I talk to people, the more I realize I'm really very normal.   I very much want to hear from my readers with comments and other life questions to explore in the upcoming months.  But for the purpose of this writing, we're going to explore the title, We Deserve the Very Best.

So many of us have been taught to believe we are not deserving.  We’ve been programmed to believe we are not worthy of a great love, a great life, a great car or a great house.  What bullshit!  We all deserve the very best and have the absolute right to believe it into existing.  Manifesting for instance a new house, is normal.  Why would we want to settle for something that is not what we want, or is substandard to our purposes?  Frankly why would we settle if it's not the right for us?  When I moved to Boise last year, I moved with the clear intention of exactly what kind of house I wanted, the basic area where I wanted to live and of course my price range.  I made a well defined list and voila I now live in a new build, single story home with 3 bedrooms and a nice size yard to garden and for Bonnie to play. This house fits all my furniture (I was not ready to downsize), has a large garage for all my other stuff and in a great location.  I manifested this home, put it out to God to handle and a year later I am still comfortable and content living in Casa de Teresa.  I am deserving of my new house and give thanks with gratitude daily. 

Thirty years ago or more, I learned a way to manifest and this was to make a well defined list. When I finally decided it was time to get married, I made a detailed list of everything I was looking for in husband material.  I tweaked that list for several months and by "accident" John appeared in my life and for the next 20 years we experienced the twists and turns that life offered us.  There were a few areas where I was not specific enough.  For instance, I asked for a baseball fan but did not specify which team.  Turned out I married a die hard Yankee fan and here I was a die hard Dodger fan.  That difference created a lot of angst, especially during World Series time.  I learned to love the Yankees but the Dodgers never left my heart.  Another small item I forgot to add was I wanted a "Jack of All Trades" type guy.  Well not so much in that department either but hey, Handymen do need to earn a living...

Three years ago, I decided it was time to think about dating again as John had been gone five years.  I made my list again but sadly for my heart and soul, I forgot a few pertinent details that I have included in the newest list for my age appropriate boyfriend.  This sad experience just goes to show, the more exact and detailed one is, the better the results.  If it seems like an obvious "no biggie" or "that's just a given," I promise you that they are NOT.  Be specific as the Universe gives us what we asked for and those "no biggies" or "that's a given" are glaring and destructive if neglected on our list.  I'm just saying, as I lived it out sadly... Ugh...

So I divert back to my original intent for this blog.  We deserve the very best, the very best out there appropriate for us and the very very best of what life has to offer.  No one, not one of us, should ever settle for anything less.  If we do, we diminish our own self worth.  Recently when I was making the "boyfriend" list, a friend of mine said to me, you want only the Cream of The Crop.  I got to thinking, I've run the gamut from great to creepy, slovenly to clean and smelling good.  Nope I won't settle,  I want the Cream of The Crop dammit, I deserve it and I'm not settling.  I see so many women my age just settle because they think this is the end of the road.  Selling out to less than what we deserve is simply not acceptable with our new way of thinking.  Ladies, and men, stand in the truth for what you want and go forth and find what your heart desires.  Trust me, it's out there, don't settle!  You dear heart, deserve nothing less than the very best 

"The moment that you start to wonder if you deserve better, you do."  Unknown

The Awesome State of Being Middle Age

September is Yours Truly' s birthday month and time take to take an assessment of the past year.. As I approach year 66, I have entered into a state of awesome wonder as I simply can not believe I've lived this long.  I'm not one to celebrate much, frankly I don't really celebrate at all.  The days of ice cream and cake and tons of presents are over and have been for several years.  I'm not one to be the center of attention so singing Happy Birthday is probably not going to go over well.  These days however, the days of middle age, I take more stock in where I came from and where I'm going.  So here I am, number 66 is upon me and I ask, who the hell am I at this stage of life?  What is my path, my purpose and what do I do next?  Therefore, this month I'm again opening my heart and soul  and will try to take a leap into the future while speaking from today.

I remember asking my grandmother why she wanted to live alone, thinking she was probably lonely.  I can remember her saying, “I just don't want to take care of an old man, I don’t like being around old people and I like my life the way it is.”  Well, I feel ya Nannie!  I enjoy my freedom and I like being around people young at heart as I'm not ready to be an old fuddy duddy yet nor will I ever be one by the way.  After the emotional roller coaster I experienced through the breakup with Mr. Wonderful, I’m doing just fine alone with my sweet Bonnie and peace of mind.  Okay so perhaps an age appropriate boyfriend would be nice or a pool boy but I don’t have a swimming pool so forget that.  The cute trainer at the local gym is not my style and way too young so I've thrown my hands up and just learned to trust.  I have tried on line dating by the way, and it is not for sissies.  I had one coffee date with a complete loser and the rest who've reached out seem to be fakes, frauds or phonies.  Therefore I'm good just the way it is now and listening to my higher self.  I'm still open to a new love if the Universe wants to drop someone interesting into my life again.  However, please, please, please do not bring me an old man or one with tons of baggage, drama or financial woes.  I'm simply not up to the emotional effort of being an old man's "darling."   

My parent traveled a lot in their RV and I tend to think they saw all of the lower 48.  I’d love to do that and I must admit I’m a bit envious of my friends who have RVs and travel trailers.  It was a thought we had ten years ago but now just a dream.  I would like to visit all 50 states but frankly, not alone in an RV.   But traveling is still on my agenda and now that I took the jab, I'm able to start planning again. Recently I got an email from an on line travel group and threw caution to the wind.  So, I’m flying off to Peru and Ecuador to see Manchu Picchu, the rainforests and the beautiful Andes in September of 2022.  Over the next twelve months, I will have plenty of time to contemplate, set up a Peru 2022 travel board on Pintrest and save my pennies for souvenirs and the fun stuff.   I won't back out of this trip and will post pictures on Instagram when the time comes.

I love music but didn't listen to much of anything in the first few years after John died.  Several years ago I again began to listen to the music I once loved.  The at one time very hip music of the original "boy band" the Beatles, is still a top favorite in my music queue.  Jackson Browne, The Byrds, George Strait and yes my favorite of all The Monkees are all there as well.   So I guess my darling One and Only snickers a bit when she hears me sing along to Last Train to Clarksville, Twist and Shout or my very favorite, I'm a Believer.   Maybe my music is old fashioned to Generation X and the Millennials but who the hell cares!  I will continue to sing to my heart's content and our music someday, when we're in the nursing home, will be Stairway to Heaven or Doctor My Eyes.  

Okay so let’s explore the spiritual side of being 66.  Believe it or not realistically, we’ve only got maybe 25 more good years.  Those 25 will go by fast if we don’t take advantage of every moment!  After I retired I made a practice to get up early every morning and enjoy the day. Seven years later, I still get up no later than 7:00 and enjoy my coffee while watching the sun rise. By the way, the sunrise in Idaho can not be surpassed and will report back what I observe in Peru.  I give thanks every morning to God for allowing me another day and allowing me the opportunity to live for another moment.  I pray the Universe will allow me to be a light for someone to resonate with.  Being a light is not just being a faithful friend or throwing a couple bucks at a homeless shelter, it’s so much more.  After opening my mind, listening and truly understanding what the Universe has to say, being a light is being of pure heart and soul, walking with honor and integrity.  Am I that pure heart?  No I’m not always but I’m trying hard to listen, learn and be an example.  One basic lesson I have learned is be who you are meant to be, be the very best you can be and stand in your truth for good.  There still exists the basic truths for life and the Ten Commandments speak it well.  We need to take heed of these ten basic truths, understand the simplicity in them and begin to live by them again.  The world would certainly be a much better place!  

So finally I ask myself, are you happy or just existing?  Are you still sad and angry or happy with who and where you are on this journey?  I can say I’m finally happy and happy with the new life I’ve created.  It's taken me awhile to admit this by the way as it's been a rather uncertain 15 months. Looking back, to pick up, move to where I knew basically no one was incredibly brave.  I left my safety net of twenty years and took a giant leap of faith.  This journey we call life has had its twists and turns, happiness and sorrow, good times and bad.  I look at every person I've met on this journey, this is every single one and I call them a blessing.  The lessons I've learned from these blessings will continue to affect me into the future and beyond.  Not one experience was a waste, just a learning experience. 

In conclusion and to begin this new year of life, I have now risen above all the muck and BS and can say, Happy 66th Birthday to Me.

The following affirmation was published in the August 2021 Spiritual Living Magazine.  It will become my life quote for year 66:  

"Today I pause to listen to the voice within.  It calls me to be who I am meant to be.  I follow my heart and live a life that is fulfilling and meaningful, I am at peace."

June 2021, Hulls Gulch trail Boise, Idaho

America, We Hardly Know You

I am one who sits and ponders the past, time with my parents and grandparents and consider myself a nostalgic person.  I think all the time of growing up in the late 1950's and 1960's and wonder to myself, what happened to the America we once knew? This month I'm going to take us down memory lane and explore the America we grew up in compared to the America we live in now.   

I remember sitting on the swing in our back yard in Pasadena.  We used to swing, play dolls and have tea parties all day.  I remember smelling the trash burning in the neighbor's incinerator and hearing sonic booms in the background while waiting to be called in for lunch.  In those days, the days of Chuck Yeager, John Glenn and John F. Kennedy, we felt as though we were on the precipice of greatness.  I'm dating myself back to 1961 where Telstar was on the cover of the Weekly Reader, Jacqueline Kennedy was our gracious first lady and 3 of four grandparents were alive and well.  Those were the days; Dennis The Menace, Mr. Ed, Leave It To Beaver and Gunsmoke were the popular  TV shows we watched and Vietnam was just another country on the map.  I was just a little kid, had no clue as to what life was or would become.  My Barbie and Ken were my best friends and my cat Mimi had just had a litter of six kittens.  I say this now as I was such an innocent baby, we all were, life even for adults was different then compared to now.  I'm sure my parents had plenty of worries and fears.  My dad went through two wars in the navy so he knew of what could be.  How would we ever have guessed, 60 years later, America would be in throes of a socialist take over and on the verge of complete societal collapse.

Today, life has completely changed.  Today we have anarchists' running the streets, tearing down cities and wrecking havoc to those who try to defend themselves and their property.  Private property seems to have no meaning any longer.  The worthless politicians are now trying to put a moratorium on renters so they no longer need to pay rent!  These dimwits do not understand that the rents pay the mortgages and the banks expect the payments to be paid on time every month or penalties will be assessed.   No longer do the business owners, landlords and private citizens walking the streets have a voice. The voice of the tax paying citizen has gone and been replaced. How about we the tax payer, stop paying our taxes?  These worthless politicians would squeal like stuck pigs!

Americans in 1961 would not have imagined the chaos that seems to permeate our cities and states.  Our social mores have disappeared and the lack there of is affecting our children and grandchildren.  We have destroyed our civilization, much like the Romans back at the time of Nero.  Our worthless politicians have let the criminals out of prisons to wreck havoc on society.  The hopefully soon to be ex governor of California is emptying his prisons of this garbage, and allowing them to run rough shot over the cities he was elected to protect.  What happened to the success of  the civil rights marches in the early 1960's?  Vile racist talk now has again permeated our society and racism is now being used as an convenient excuse.

So, what can be done to change our society and live in peace again?  I have a few suggestions and I pray they are understood in the correct way and not twisted.

  Recognize we are ALL created equal under the constitution and under God.  Do now look at anyone as less than but as equal to.  

  Keep the criminals locked up.  It's high time we understand that there are consequences to bad behavior.  The Bible says and eye for an eye, if one kills or maims an innocent, they are locked up and the key thrown away. 

 Take back our cities with law and order and stop the madness.  The police are there for a reason, treat them with respect as we must have laws to protect the innocent.  Yes, there are bad cops but there are also bad politicians, bad clergy, bad seeds everywhere.  The bad will never out weigh the good so weed them out.

 Stop voting for the garbage.  To take America back, we need honest, decent, fair minded men and women to run our cities, states and country.  The career politicians need to go, term limits applied and good hard working civic minded people must be elected into office (on both sides of the aisle).  We must stop voter fraud and intimidation.  Sorry folks but fraud got us to where we are today and I will not back down from this statement.  

  Finally, get back to basics, love your family, your friends and your country again.  I do not care what your religious beliefs are but basic morals and values, love and positive energy must replace the rotgut that permeates our culture today.  Getting back to basics means, the crap taught in our public schools must be replaced with reading, writing and arithmetic.  Our colleges and universities need to change their standards and teach our kids careers and skills not social indoctrination.  We have kids graduating from college with no understanding of basic economics or how businesses are run.  Two plus two now equals five! Morals and values need to be taught at home, by parents and grandparents, not by teachers or daycare providers.

Our country and the world as whole is at stake.  It's in our hands, not the hands of the Deep State politicians who's only desire is money and destroying our lives for their own gain.  It's time my friends, to take back America!

Me in Pasadena 1960 

That Was Then, This Is Now

July is upon us, the second half of 2021 has commenced, the pandemic is supposedly over and we will celebrate America's birthday on the fourth.  As I sit and ponder the significance of all these "mile stones," I wonder what's next with my life's journey?   I think to myself every morning how far I have come in my evolution and what is in store.  That Was Then, This Is Now has become my mantra.  Therefore, this month I want to explore both my journey and society's journey over the last 12 months.

This time last year I had just up rooted my entire life, moved to Boise to begin again.  This time last year, I had just sold my house in Washington, a state I had lived in for almost 20 years and moved to a new area where I knew very few people, where I woke up every morning in the high desert, hot weather and plenty of sunshine.  These were all things that I manifested but every morning I'd ask myself what the heck did I just do?  That Was Then. 

The That Was Then continues with society as a whole.  Then, back in 2020, we were in the full throttle of an election that was contentious, foreboding and filled with vitriol (this was on both sides mind you, not just one).  The pandemic was going strong and a sense of foreboding was in the air.  Masks were required even if we were at the gas station and don't mention the price of gas between then and now.  That Was Then was when we had no clue when this madness would stop!  We couldn't go to the movies, dine in a restaurant or work out at the gym.  Zoom calls became our new normal and social distancing became our best friend. Our lives were constrained by new laws, rules, regulations and a sense if we step out of line, we'd get our hands slapped or even worse.  I remember seeing a picture somewhere of a surfer out in the waters of Malibu, wearing that stupid freaking mask!  We'd see people alone in their car wearing that God forsaken face diaper!  That Was Then.

The "Then's" started to slowly change in the fall.  All of the sudden like magic, masks were being questioned, the seriousness of the "virus" was being challenged and by Christmas, the bindings that tied us so tightly were slowly loosening their grip.  Change was in the air, we could smell the sweetness of possible freedom.  There was a glimmer of hope all of the sudden, or so proclaimed Fake News.  Then poof, the diabolical little doctor, changed his tune (from one day to the next) and maybe the seriousness of this pandemic was possibly overstated.  Maybe just maybe, getting a vaccine was the ticket to freedom.  Maybe just maybe the facemasks didn't work after all.  Maybe just maybe all of this was in vain.  

I know thousands of people died from this dreaded disease.  We have one close friend and several elderly acquaintances, all of who had underlying conditions, that sadly died from Covid.  I don't want it so I succumbed to the bullying and nasty comments and got the jab.  It didn't kill me obviously and the side effects were not major but my sense of self was lessened.  I'm sorry I got the jab and I won't get the third jab as frankly, I'm not sure it works anyway.  I stepped out of my integrity and sense of self and let my body become a Guinea Pig.  No I didn't grow horns, or have my period restart but I did loose a bit of self respect for allowing myself to be bullied and mocked.  That my friends was Then.

So This Is Now, July 2021.  I see very few in my area wearing the mask.  I see beautiful smiling faces again.  Ballparks are open, outdoor market places are back in full swing, churches, restaurants and public pools are back in business.  Living here in beautiful Idaho has given me a renewed sense that something is going right again.  Thank goodness we did not have all the restrictions here, that were imposed in other states.  I feel for those living in states where the rules and regulations are still in effect, where governors still have their heads up their collective butts and are imposing strict regulations as to who can do what.  This Is Now, the sunshine, hot summers and smell of freedom rings true.  I no longer wake up wondering what the hell I did but thank the Universe daily for bringing me to Boise, introducing me to new people and ideas and reintroducing me to me.

The "This Is Now Me" is a new person.  I have moved on with my life and have become someone very different that the person I left in Seattle.  This girl is ripe and ready for new challenges, a new beginning and has renewed hope and an understanding that this is not all there is.  New thoughts and ideas await me as I move through this time of my life.  This new beginning is wonderful and I pray that society as a whole, takes on the same challenge to begin again.  

So in conclusion, what can we do to be in the "This Is Now?"  First of all, read and study both sides of the equation.  If it smells rotten, it's rotten.  Second, be who you are and do not allow yourself to be bullied into something that is not right for you. Third, stand up for what is right.  Stand up for the principals our country was founded on and be true to yourself.  We live in America folks, not a third world shit hole.  It's time we turn the tide on the madness that overtook us in 2020, the That Was Then, and begin to Live in the Now.  America is worth saving.  Our sense of freedom, integrity and sense of self is worth everything our forefathers fought and died for.  We need to get off our butts and speak out for what we hold dear.  It's time folks, to Begin Again, in the Now.

Happy Birthday America, from the one who lived in the "Then" but now lives in the "Now!" 

God bless America,

Land that I love, 

Stand beside her and guide her, 

Through the night with the light from above

From the mountains to the prairies

From the oceans white with foam

God bless America, my home sweet home

Amen To That

Amen to that we say

As our path of time marches on

Amen to that we say

When the night returns to dawn

Amen to that we say

When friendships fade or fray

Amen to that we say

When our heartbreaks go away

We can say amen with glee when time has healed all wounds

We can say amen with glee as we march to our own sweet tunes

We can say amen with glee when we take that great giant leap

We can say amen with glee as we wake up from our sleep

To say amen is freeing

To say amen is fair

But never say amen unless 

Your soul is ready, please beware

And so, it is … amen

A Father's Day Tribute

Today is the day we honor our fathers. Last year I wrote a tribute to my father and I want to re-share that story but with updates as life has changed over the last year.  So following is my updated tribute to the greatest man I've ever known my daddy, Richard Ontiveros.  

Daddy grew up on a ranch in the Tepusquet hills surrounding Santa Maria, California.  His father had decided he wanted to be a rancher and had inherited some land the family had been granted by the Spanish government.  The Ontiveros family was a founding family in California, coming up by horse back from Mexico in 1781.  Juan Pacifico Ontiveros, my 3rd great grandfather, was granted Rancho San Juan Cajon de Santa Ana and later bought Rancho Tepusquet in Santa Barbara and San Luis Obispo counties.  That land was parceled off to various family members and my grandfather, Kencho Ontiveros was granted several acres to do with what he pleased. 

Kencho married my grandmother Lee Lancaster on February 7, 1914 in San Franciso.  He brought his beautiful bride to Santa Maria, built a home for her and there they lived until that house burned down when Dad was maybe ten.  Two children were raised on that land, my Aunt Eleanore and my daddy, Dick as he preferred to be called. 

The Depression hit the family hard.  Dad always said that his father would give away extra food and supplies to neighboring families who were not quite as fortunate.  The Ontiveros family however, did without quite a bit.  One story was Grandma would buy a Snickers bar and cut it into four pieces, that was the Saturday night treat.  Among other crops, Grandpa raised what are known as Santa Maria Pink Beans.  They were best picked when the morning air was still cool and damp.  The family of four would be out in the fields picking those beans at 3am, before the actual farming day would begin or in the case of the children, school day.  Those 3am bean picking mornings are what instilled in Dad, his tremendous work ethic and sense of responsibility.

After the fire, Dad and Grandpa rebuilt that house.  I saw it one time, it was small, had running water and indoor plumbing.  It also had electricity.  Dad always said the he helped install the wiring in that house when he was about twelve.  He worked as one my grandfather's field hands during the summer.  The last week of summer, before the harvest and school starting, is when Dad got time off.  He worked hard all summer long, so that last week of summer was his play time.

Sunday morning December 7, 1941 was the day that lived in infamy.  Dad was attending Santa Maria Junior College at the time, with aspirations of being a woodworking/shop teacher and attending Ohio State.  When Pearl Harbor was bombed, Dad joined the navy and for the next 4 years, he was on various ships in the Pacific.  Those years, he always claimed, were the best of his life.  He grew up, left the ranch as a boy and returned in 1945 as a man.  Dad never did attend college, he took care of his parents after the war.

My parents married in 1949.  I was born in 1955 and my sister in 1958.  We witnessed a traditional marriage between two people who loved and were devoted to each other.  They were our role models, our security and were the two best people we would ever know.  We saw Daddy going to work every morning, come home every night and love our mother and us with undying devotion.  Daddy devoted the sixty four years of marriage to making our mother happy and comfortable and to us he gave us his love.

Daddy's been gone 9 years next month and I miss him every, single day.  There are days where I'm simply glad he's not here now to witness the state of the world as he'd be in continual angst.  From where he sits now, I can see him shaking his head and saying, "how did this happen?"  The last time I spoke to Daddy, we said we loved each other, two days later he was gone.  I know in my heart, he's still with me, walking with me on my path and hopefully saying; "Terry, you've done me proud."  

So, Happy Father's Day Daddy, I miss and love you.

Lessons In Divine Love

The month of June has finally rolled around and my first year in Idaho is complete.  What a year it has been, to begin again and walk my new path.  This journey called life has been almost more than I could ever have comprehended.  Who I am today is a completely different woman than the one who arrived here in 2020.  My broken heart, loss of my spiritual center and my soul have healed.  Today I am whole, perfect in God's eyes and complete again.  My life's purpose is still being defined but I can truly say, this year of growth will forever be one I will look back on in awesome wonder.  Lessons of all types were learned and this month, I'd like to explore a few of those lessons with love.

Boundaries have been established and I'm sticking to them.  We all need boundaries and no one needs to intrude into our space without our permission.  The overly verbose friend or concerned acquaintance is well intended but when it comes down to brass tacks, we all must sort our lives out for ourselves.  I have found that I need to be more mindful of other's feelings and sensitivities and I expect the same in reverse.  Sometimes we all need to take a step back, explore the situation at hand and erect those boundaries in order to preserve our peace of mind.  This can be done with love, sensitivity and caring on both sides of the equation.   

Secondly, we all need opportunities where we can grow and learn new thoughts and ideas.  These opportunities may not work for anyone else and that's okay as we should only try to please ourselves.    Detoxing, listening to my higher self and the Divine are what truly matter.  Over these past twelve months, I have begun reading different types of literature, listening to different types of speakers and thinking more clearly for myself not the way society shall have us think.  These ideas and thoughts have resonated with me, taken me back to the days of my awakening thirty years ago, and have opened so many new opportunities.  I thank God daily for the lessons learned and the divine love I re-found in my heart.

Third (I have discussed this in other blogs but it's important), have time carved out every day to meditate and pray.  Set your soul at ease by journaling (I know I say this constantly but it works).  My journals over the last year reflected quite a bit of my soul journey but have now been replaced with positive narrative.  I have a corner in my bedroom where I mediate, write and read.  I call this my "Thinking Corner" but it's much, much more.  This sacred space brings me peace and a sense of calm. We all need our privacy, quiet space where we can think, read or play Words With Friends.  It's so important as we travel our life path, we utilize these spaces and learn to rest, grow and find peace of mind. These spaces should never be intruded upon without our permission (boundaries).  

Fourth and final, learn how to be alone.  It's amazing to me how many people can not be alone! I lived alone for many years before I got married and I'm back to being alone again for the most part.  Now that I have found "me" again, I have found I'm really all I need.  Yes, I love mixing it up with others, attending dinner parties and gatherings but when I'm ready to shut my doors, erect my boundaries and turn my mind off, being alone is a slice of heaven.  I even turn off my phone notifications as when I'm ready for my quiet, I do not want to be disturbed.  We must learn to live in our own reality, make decisions without anyone else's input, and feel confident   When we have taken that profound step in our life's journey I believe, we fully have matured and found ourselves.  Please do not rely on anyone else for your happiness and protect yourself, as no one can do this better than you. Yes people do need people but ultimately we live in our own skins so we must get used to it.

In conclusion, I'm not sure I'm going to continue this blog in this same format. Honestly, I'm  done with my therapeutic ramblings and ready to make a change and branch out to short stories, topical subjects and some spirituality.  I joined a writer's group close to home so I need material to present to the group during our monthly get togethers.  Wearing my heart on my sleeve is over now as I'm healed and does not bode well for reading out loud to my new friends.   I have promised God I will continue my journey and walk my path with integrity but it's time for a much needed change of pace.  So tune in, we'll see where this blog leads us but until then I'll let Spirit lead the way and claim it as good.

On Sunday September 19, 1943, The Daily Word published this affirmation: "Great peace have I because the spirit of God gives me peace."  "Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!" Psalm 31:24

One of my newest roses

Our Family Hero

We all have heroes in our lives, those who stand out in our memories as people having done great things.  For most of us it's a parent, grandparent or a person in history.  For me it's cousin Tom, a great American hero in my book.  This Memorial Day, I am honoring Tom for his service, dedication to the United States and the freedoms and liberties we all enjoy.  Tom died defending our way of life and there's a story to be told.

Tommy (as my dad always called him) was born February 27, 1920 in Santa Maria, California.  He was the only child of Abdon and Grace Ontiveros.  Tom and my dad grew up on neighboring farms, that were part of land inherited from their great grandfather, Juan Pacifico Ontiveros and earlier Spanish land grants.  As the story goes, they camped, hunted and fished together as young boys growing up.  Daddy always said Tom was his best friend. I'm sure Tom felt the same.

Tom caught the flying bug quite young.  In 1940, records show he signed up as an Aviation Cadet at the Tex Rankin flight school in Tulare, California.  He had studied and worked as an aviation mechanic at Hancock College in Santa Maria.  Tom's Selective Service card shows he registered with the U.S. military in July of 1941.  When Pearl Harbor was bombed in December of the same year, I believe Tom was called to action.  The Santa Maria Times reported on August 4, 1942, that Tom was made Assistant Flight Commander in the US Army Air Corp.  Through my research, I found many articles reporting on the different honors he received while serving in The American Theater of Operations.   Tom was a man of honor, dignity and American values.

I started my family research in 2010.   After researching the "main players,"  Tom became the point of almost obsession for me as we really never did know what actually happened to him.  After quite a bit of time and patience, his last hours were found and will be reported here.

On November 3, 1943, Tom was the co-pilot flying a B-250 bomber that took off from the U.S. airbase in Gerbini, Sicily.   He was part of the 12th bomber group in the 83rd squadron.  The weather was reported as bad, with a 10 to 12 mile visibility.  There were five crew members on board, no additional passengers were reported and the final destination was La Marsa, Tunisia.  They took off at 9:30 am and contact was lost shortly after. No wreckage was ever found nor were any communications ever received.  The War Department published their final report on November 25, 1943.  

On December 22, 1943, the Santa Maria Times reported Tom as missing in action since November 3.  Dad said he was notified while on his ship in the Pacific.  Imagine the shock for his parents and family, not ever knowing his fate until I got nosey and started investigating.  My belief is Aunt Grace hung the Gold Star Family flag from her farmhouse window, commemorating the loss of her only child.  How sad to think, she died never knowing the true details of his final moments.

2Lt  Abdon Tomas Ontiveros Jr. is noted on the Tablet of the Missing at the Sicily-Rome American Cemetery and Memorial, in Nettuno, Citta Metropolitana di Roma Capitale, Lazio Italy.  May God rest your soul cousin Tom.  You will never be forgotten.

The Tablet in Roma,  Tom is noted at the top        

Gold Star Mother's Flag

Rejoicing In A Balanced Life

Here we are in May.  Putting this blog has not been easy as I've had writer's block or so I thought. I've had such a hard time trying to put my thoughts into words this month.  The month devoted to mothers was going to be the month where I expounded on my experience as a mother, the month where I again honor my own mother and my grannies.  But alas, that's not where this blog is headed although I love and miss my mom and grannies every day.  Something more has smacked me in the face this month.  That is balance and the seeking of balance in our lives today.  

It's crazy isn't it, we're now into the 5th month of 2021!  What happened to the last four months?  All of the sudden it's spring time, flowers are blooming and our daily walks have been moved up to earlier in the day, due to my low riding dog and hot pavement.  I've been in Idaho almost a year and the changes to my life and my own personal "well being" have been amazing.  These days, I seem to have my dance card filled daily with something.  I have manifested gym workouts, golf games, walks, hikes, bike rides, painting parties (yes I painted a picture albeit not a good one) and noshing with the peeps on a Friday night.  I've also been able to fit time in for meditation, prayer work and the reading of my spiritual books and inspirations.  

When I arrived in Idaho, I frankly was broken, sad and very lonely.  Thanks to my girls and new friends, my loneliness and sadness have turned into joy and personal well being.  I love being outside in the air again, mixing it up with new people, places and adventures.  I'm finally starting to see life balanced out and have finally begun to enjoy living alone again (the daughter is here periodically).   I bought a bicycle and have started riding the neighborhood streets.  I hadn't ridden a bike in 20 years but after I had the seat and handle bars adjusted, off I went down the street and circled the block a couple of times!  It needs a better seat as my bony butt is not too comfortable and I'd like a small basket so I can ride past the mail box on my way home, but all and all riding my bike is now my new hobby.

But is this a balanced life?  I'm not sure as I do think there's much more to life itself.  Now that it's warm and I can sit out on my patio, serious reading has begun again.  My new reading material is more of a spiritual nature, as exploring new thoughts and ideas are a way to grow.  I've been taking courses with a spiritual teacher who I consider a personal friend and my thoughts have been expanded past what seemed possible three years ago.  

My writing has started to veer off into new direction as well.  My daily journal has begun a journey of it's own with new thoughts and ideas.  Since we still can't travel far, I've started manifesting the next trip to Scotland.  The drive over to Seattle has been postponed to June or July and I can't wait for Suzanne to post her next Sedona event dates for September (hint, hint, hint).  

Getting up each morning has become easier and easier, the early bird does catch the worm.  I watch very little news as I can't take the fake news lies any longer.  But I do listen to lot's of music and my favorite songs from the past are favorites again today.  I still tweet, occasionally post a picture on Instagram, and comment on Facebook but nothing like I used to.  The all consuming social media has disappeared.  What has replaced it is introspection, exercise and fun.

So rereading these words, yes I do think my life is in balance.  A little here, a little there and viola` life!  My suggestion to my readers is, review your own life and check and see if you're in balance.  You will be amazed at how in line you are to yourself, God and your fellow human.  If not, then there's no time like the present to get a head start, balance it all out and enjoy!

On Sunday August 13, 1973, the Daily Word published this affirmation: "I rejoice in living a balanced life." 

"This is the way, walk in it." Isaiah 30:21

The Bike

Thy Rod and Thy Staff, They Comfort Me

Blogs are tricky business.  Some may say I'm a bit of a narcissist for recounting my life, others say I'm a know it all for expounding on my views.  I see myself as a story teller, someone who has gone out of her comfort zone and has started to tell her story.  My story you see is complicated, not the norm but truly mine.  My story is only starting to be told, these 8 years have been a learning experience.  I have been thinking over this last year, more than one women in the same situation as me, would identify with it.  So I will be recounting my story more and more as these next twelve months unfold, stay tuned

Over this last year, I've met some wonderful souls.  The dear soul I'd like to discuss for this blog is my new friend Janet Tarantino.  Janet is a writer, a prophet of sorts and one who has documented her three near death experiences in her book, "Dying To See."  I met Janet in Sedona and we spoke at length about life and the mystery of death.  I happened to mention the story of my husband's passing and Janet asked if I would be willing to write it as she wants to include it in her next book.  I agreed and asked if I could bring the story to my blog first.  So without further adieu, the "story" for the world to read here first:

I woke up with a start, not sure why at the time, I do now.  The dogs were peacefully sleeping next to me, both snoring their peaceful snores that showed comfort and complete trust.  The air had a heavy feeling, one of almost suffocation or looking back, the heaviness of death.  Once I realized where I was, I was on the couch in the family room, the sensation of finality hit me hard.  But let us digress back to the beginning; before I recount the end.

February 20, 2013 John and I got the blow of a lifetime, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  He had not felt well for a while, I thought he was on a diet as he had lost so much weight.  But no, God had other ideas for him, for us.  Pancreatic cancer is a death sentence, I knew it at the time the words came out of the ER doctor’s mouth.  I am not sure John did however, but we found out fast.  He had been sent to the ER by our family practitioner as she thought he might have pancreatitis.  Sadly, it was worse than what we thought, the news I only ever want to hear once in a lifetime.

That evening we sat in the family room and just looked at each other, not sure what to say or if there was anything to say, frankly.  Those words, “you have a tumor growing on your pancreas and it’s cancer” were so hard to understand then and now as I write these words.  Why did this happen to my nice husband?  Why did this happen to our 17-year-old daughter, who adored the father who adored her back?  Why did this happen to our family unit that had begun to grow stronger over that last year or two?  Why?  I still ask that question but now that I understand the Universe better, the question seems to have been answered on so many levels.

But let me continue as the story has several twists and turns.  John began chemotherapy in early March.  By the end of March, he had lost his hair, much of his strength and new pants were needed as he had lost so much weight.  He was sick from the chemo, and I believe now scared as I genuinely believe in his heart, he knew he would not make it.  So, in his own way, he made out his bucket list, first being he needed to live long enough to see our daughter graduate from high school.  That he did and sat proudly on the sidelines, beaming with pride as she accepted her diploma.

His next bucket list item was to make it to July 4.  The chemo was beginning to wear him down and his strength was faltering.  But made it he did, lit firecrackers for the kids in our church parking lot and enjoyed every minute of that last 4^th of July party.  He ate next to nothing, but his spirit was strong that night.  He checked off bucket list item #2.

Meanwhile, the looming consequences of cancer overtook him.  He never really was too interested in attending church with us but now that he knew he had a death sentence, he began to seek higher guidance.  He joined a men’s Bible study and accepted the Lord.  I will always believe the peace he found in Jesus, got him over the threshold and gave him the strength to continue.

The third item on his bucket list was to visit his Texas family one last time.  We flew to Texas after Labor Day and spent several days visiting his remaining aunt and uncle and visited his cousins.  We toured a couple college campuses our daughter was interested in and flew to Orlando and spent a couple of days there at Disneyworld and Universal.  He also flew in a fighter plane from WWII and checked that item off his list as well.  The trip wore him out sadly and when we arrived home, he was simply down for the count for several days.  Chemo resumed but hope was fading, and he was wasting away from the poisons being pumped in his system.  His faith however grew strong, but he knew his time was limited.

We celebrated his 61^st birthday with a huge party of family and dear friends but the end was looming.  Thanksgiving came upon us late that year and his strength was gone.  We had stopped chemo and hospice had come in to help.  Thanksgiving night he fell, our neighbor came and got him back in bed.  The end was looming, and we all knew it was just a matter of days.

Saturday morning, November 30, he asked for morphine.  I gave it to him, he just looked at me and said thank you.  Later that day, he began to stare intently at the corner of the family room from his hospital bed.  He kept motioning to me to look at the corner as he was reaching.  I saw nothing but he saw something.  All day he kept reaching up while watching that corner.  When I laid down on the couch next to him that final night, he was till reaching and looking up at that corner and talking to something.  I found him after 1:00 am Sunday morning December 1, 2013.  He was still looking up with his arms outstretched, he had gone home to the place of peace and love.

As I look back now, I know there were beings of light and love up in that corner beckoning him home.  I know in my heart this for a fact.  I also know for certain he had died only a few minutes before I woke up.  When I went upstairs to wake up our daughter, she was already awake and had that same feeling I had when I opened my eyes.  John woke us both up when his spirit left, to tell us goodbye.   

The Universe has its plans for all of us; those we never really know.  A few months after he died, I was out in my garden one afternoon with the dogs.  It was warm, the sun was shining and when I looked around, I saw him standing there by his barbeque, watching me, watching us.  He had a look of peace on his face, a smile and then I knew, he was leaving us for good.  I have not seen him again as he has moved on to the next dimension.  Those last hours of his life, however, have stayed with me and will continue to do so forever.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

At the Oasis Restaurant, Austin, Texas September 2013

Setting Intentions or What's On Your Bucket List?

April is finally here, flowers are starting to appear, new shoots on the trees and it's spring!  I love spring, it's the time of a new season as we discussed last month. Spring is the time when the weather warms up and and frankly we can pull out our summer clothes and live again.  The air is warming up and here in Boise the warm weather is very welcome after those cold days of winter.  This month is the time to plan for summer, it used to be vacations in the good old pre-Covid days.  Now it's the time to plant our gardens, take short trips and experience new beginnings.  

After the last year of new beginnings that came with uncertainty, deep hurt and lack of understanding, I started to think about the future and what it has to offer.  After reading Eat, Pray, Love and watching the movie the Bucket List, I began pondering my Bucket List.   After a lot of introspection, I've come up with 7 Bucket List intentions to explore.  I'll add more as life continues on and these ideas of course can't be completed at one time but they can be completed over the next 25 years.  So here we go, my Bucket List being made public for the first time with lots of travel so... drum roll please...

1.  I was going to take that dream trip to Egypt this month but I couldn't decide what to do, due to Covid restrictions.  I had this nagging thought in the back of my mind not to go (my higher self saying NO!).  Oddly or not so oddly, the airline canceled my flights so that was that.  Thank goodness I got my money back from Swiss Air so maybe next year I'll see Egypt.  Meanwhile, Egypt is intention #1 on my bucket list of places to see.  

2.  One last trip to Scotland.  My Sinclair clan came from the Caithness region of Scotland.  Caithness is in up the north; yes we are Highlanders, find me a Jamie Frazier please!  There are so many other places to visit but I must see Caithness and satisfy my curiosity.  I want to breath the salty air, experience the scenery of the great north and of course take plenty of pictures of the Scottish Highlands. Scotland is one of my favorite places on earth so naturally it's intention #2 on my bucket list.

3.  I want to visit the Ozarks.  My paternal grandmother was born in Mammoth Springs, Arkansas.  She  was a southern cook extraordinaire and to my understanding had plenty of stories of southern life.  I want to see where she was born, visit some of my Jeffery cousins and experience Arkansas life.  Give me a couple of years and I will visit intention #3 on my Bucket list..

4.  Australia and New Zealand keep calling me.  I have found through my ancestor search, 4 cousins in Australia and they all have invited me to visit.  Seeing the Southern Cross, visiting the Sydney Opera House and watching the Southern Lights down under in Adelaide, is definitely on my bucket list.  Give me a few more years folks and I'll be posting pictures on Instagram of kangaroos, kola bears and of course me and the cousins.  Bucket List intention #4 will be quite an experience for sure!

5.  Travel isn't the only thing I have on my list, golf is my next thought.  I want to be a good golfer.  Now, I know I'll never be Arnold Palmer or Tiger Woods, but I really want to be a GOOD golfer.  I want to be able to play without embarrassment, enjoy the game and hit a 150 yard drive off the first tee straight down the middle.  I fully intend to do so and will report back when I do.  Meanwhile, I will play twice a week until the ground freezes up, practice my swing and try not to get too frustrated if I miss hitting the ball the first time.  Golf is a game that one can only get better at by playing it.  Thus, golf is Bucket List intention #5.

6.  My other passion in life is my spiritual side.  I set aside time daily in the morning, to meditate and talk to God.  Two years ago when I visited Sedona, I was awestruck by the red rocks and spiritual vibe created when one stands and looks out at the scenery. Sedona is the place of new beginnings, new thoughts and dreams.  In Sedona, I have searched my soul and found peace of mind.  I went to Sedona the first time and thought I found love, the second time to heal my heart and soul and this last time to the begin again.  Bucket List intention #6 therefore is to visit Sedona twice a year. 

7.  Last but not least, I want to fall in love again.  I want that experience of loving someone again who will love me back in the same way.  Is this possible?  I hope so and now that this intention is public,  I'm ready finally to try it one more time.  Nothing is for certain,  life is full of risks but yes, let's try it one more time.   Bucket List intention #7 is now under God's complete control and the Universe has my back.

So my friends, what's on your intention list?  I'm excited to hear if any of my ideas resonate with my readers.  Like minds do think alike you know...  

On Tuesday September 7, 2010, The Daily Word had this to say about setting intentions:  "I live my life with intention, trusting in Divine outcome."  The accompanying verse from the Bible reads: "Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will act."  Psalm 37:5 

In Like a Lion

March is the month we move into Daylight Savings time, spring is close and the days are getting longer.  The old proverb says, "In like a lion, out like a Lamb."  March is the month we begin again, a new season is being born,  new creations of the light.  Therefore, this month we are exploring the seasons of life.  

All life forms move through seasons.  The four seasons we experience on earth are symbols of what we experience in our lives.   Back in the 1960's, the Byrds sang a popular song called Turn, Turn, Turn. In those days, I had not studied the Bible or it's meanings, philosophy or deep thought.  I was just a kid, playing jacks, ogling Davy Jones and listening to the Beatles.  It wasn't until 30 years ago, when I started to read and try to understand what the prophets wrote, that I began to understand the true meaning of these prophetic words.  The song quoted from one of my favorite books and verses in the Old Testament and one I've quoted from frequently while writing this blog.  So to begin, let's examine the verses and then reflect.  

As quoted from the ASV version of the Bible:

Ecclestaies 3:1-8 - "For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to chase away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace."  

This chapter and verses are life lessons for us all as we move through our seasons.  When I was young and impulsive, I had no idea how to keep my mouth shut.  If I had understood, there is a time to keep silence, I would probably not have gotten myself in so much trouble with my parents, my friends or coworkers.  I probably would have had a better marriage and longer lasting relationships.  Keeping silent is a lesson learned but only until the season I'm moving through currently, do I fully understand the power of silence.  These days, instead of watching the news or some boring show on Netflix, I sit in silence, pray, meditate, read and reflect.  Meditation is cleansing for me.  I allow God to speak to me in meditation; while in prayer I speak to God.  I meditate in the morning after I journal, I mediate while on my daily walks and while driving my car. In those silent times, I listen to what God says to me and take heart.

I also read when the urge takes over.  I'm not the voracious reader I once was, as my tastes have changed.  These days I read more philosophy, spiritual tomes or history.   I'm reading a lovely book called You Are Here by Thich Nhat Hanh a Buddhist Monk.  His premise and one I whole heartedly subscribe to, is to live in the now.  The past is past and the future is not here yet.  I have learned over this last year how true this is.  I'm manifesting for the future, envisioning what it will look like, but I'm not stuck there.  Goals, dreams and aspirations are great but we must live in the moment and the moment is now.

The season of new beginnings, a time to plant, comes upon us in the spring time.  Seeds are planted for the fall harvest and new beginnings for yours truly as I begin to complete my first year in Idaho.  I have joined a Tuesday morning golfing group, weather permitting. Golfing has become a bit of a passion for me.  I took up golf two years ago as it was a bucket list check off item.  I found out I loved it and being out in the sunshine, fresh air and blue skies are all wonderful mood lifters.  However, if I could get my swing in better shape, I'd be doing great.  Putting... well lets just say that needs some work as well...

A time to heal is upon us all.  No matter what side of the aisle we are on, we must heal ourselves and our country.  Too much hate, division and animosity exists.  Stop and I mean STOP watching political hit shows and start thinking for yourself.  We have become mind numbed robots, walking blindly behind the leader of choice.  The time is now to understand right from wrong, fact from fiction and if it feels wrong it's WRONG!

The last season of new beginnings to discuss this month is a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.  Love is all we need isn't it?  Pure love is God.  Love keeps the world alive, thriving and our lives moving on.  Hate is darkness; evil and war are the result of hate.  How do we eliminate war and hate?  It's almost impossible frankly but it is possible to shine our beacon of love and light daily.  One little ray of love is like a tiny ripple a rock makes when it's tossed in a pond.  That ripple reaches out beyond us into humanity as a whole and the Universe.  Now is the time to make the decision as to who we want to become, the ripple of hate or the ripple of love.  I chose love for this next season, the season of new beginnings.  

Therefore my friends, let's end this month's dialogue on a note of love and peace from 1 Corinthians 13:13,  "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love."